Postpartum..Emotions

My little man at 1.5 months. He's getting so big, so fast.

Postpartum...Depression? I like to say Postpartum...Emotions. Since having a baby can stir up so many emotions, not necessarily just depression. I've always been honest about my emotions and feelings after having my daughter Molly. I definitely had some depression and crazy emotions after I had her. I never cried when she was born. I never really cared to hold her or kiss her much. I didn't have an overwhelming love for her. She was just...there. I would certainly hide my emotions when people would ask.."Oh a girl! Don't you just love her?! Aren't you so happy you have a little girl, now you have one of each!" I would just smile and nod and say "Yes, so happy" with out much emotion behind the words. I would try my best to smile and act like I was so in love with her and so happy to have a little girl...so happy to just have a child...but all of it was an act to  hide how I truly felt. Empty, unhappy, emotionless. I would just look at her and think she wasn't much to look at. She wasn't a very cute newborn, and thoughts of disappointment would occur. Thoughts of why she had to look so much like me, why she was so pale, and had light hair, and her nose...oh that nose, not at all small like her brother Ryan's. I always heard about Postpartum Depression and have even read books on it (Brooke Sheilds book actually). So I always knew my emotions were postpartum and prayed and prayed that I would feel the love for her that I knew I should feel and that I felt for my son. I'm not exactly sure when my feelings changed...I think when Molly was around 2.5/3 months. I remember feeding her and looking at her and it hit me. I started bawling and kissing her and thinking and saying how much I loved her. How much I truly loved her. I never told anyone how I felt until after my feelings for her changed.

Hormones do crazy things to you. I'm not sure why more women don't open up to their feelings and talk about them with other moms or moms to be. It's so helpful to relate to other moms. To not feel alone in your feelings, to be able to help other moms and to work through them together. 

This time around, I would say I have Postpartum Emotions. My birth was amazing, my love for Henry was instant, overflowing, abundant, pure, real. I beam when I talk about him, and when people ask me about him. I love him. But I also having scary emotions. I'm afraid I'm going to lose him. I can't sleep at night. I'm constantly touching him to see if he's breathing. I wake up every 1/2 hour, sometimes jolting awake and kiss him and touch him, sometimes waking him up to make sure he's alive and breathing. My fear is wicked. My fear is strong. I have all this horrible scenarios acting out in my head of him falling, getting dropped, drowning, car accidents..you name it. I also get anxiety when others hold him (yet welcome it at the same time, as the kid loves to be held all day long). I'm just not sure why my fear this time is so much stronger then the normal fears you would have after having a baby. I never had this fear as much with the other two. I honestly can't shake the fear.

 I'm also edgy, irritable, stressed, sad, tearful, annoyed and flustered. I have lots of good days, but then bad days. I have days I'm happy and cheerful and don't think much about losing Henry, or being stressed. I have days that I'm edgy, mad, stressed, crying at any little thing and won't put Henry down because I feel I can control anything that may or may not happen to him. I'm sure this all sounds crazy to some and to some...so real. 

I'm not sure when this will pass, I can only pray it passes soon. I know I have to put trust and faith in God, as I really can't control any situation like I try to. It's easy to think rationally and know that these emotions are a bit extreme...but when feeling them, they feel real and rational. I know there isn't much I can do about these feelings, I can talk about them and realize them, which I do. I know for me, I just have to let it pass on its own, like with Molly. I do encourage more of you moms to really talk about what it's like after giving birth and to really be in tune to your feelings and emotions and to not feel guilty for having them and to seek help if they get out of hand or if you just can't function. Talk to your Midwife or OB if you feel you can't function or the depression is too strong for you to handle on your own. I'm thankful I can function, I can see reality and I am aware of it. Not to say, I still don't have fear, oh I do, but I know that the extreme emotions are just the postpartum side of things and I take deep breaths, tell myself it's ok and say a small prayer for strength and peace.

I feel completely blessed to have my 3 children and I love them with every ounce of my being. I love being their mom.