Monday, May 24, 2010

I'm not sure what the title should be....

What is wrong with me?! Do I have some sort of illness or disease? Can it be fixed, changed, possibly with medication?

I can't seem to figure out why I sabotage my hard work and months of "trying" to eat better and work out. I can't figure out why the smells of cookies, brownies, hamburgers, french fries, and ice cream take over my body and I become some insane person and I must attack them like I've been on an Island for the last 10 years. Why do I do this to myself? More important, why am I craving such foods?

PMS'ing? Nope, just finished. Pregnant, nope--got myself some great protection called birth control. Menopausal--not quite there yet, I give it another 20 years or so to start. So...what could it be that is causing me to want to eat everything in sight all day long, non stop and feeling like I could eat more when I'm finished?

I am a "good girl" on one hand. I'm still doing Zumba (not like I'd give that up..psssh!!!) So...seeing the scale go down a pound is a good thing right? Not so much, it should have gone down like 5lbs by now. I think I've been stuck on the same weight for about 2 months now. And I just started my "illness" this past week.

I'm an emotional eater and a bored eater....maybe lately I've been emotional and bored and therefore my hunger for the devil's food has doubled it's enticing aroma and pull on my taste buds...whatever the reason, it needs to stop and now.

Sometimes I feel it's pointless--me, skinny? ha, that's a funny little thought. Me, fat, frumpy, unhappy and unhealthy--not a thought I want to have--but it's there in my brain constantly reminding myself why I've started this "life change" to begin with. To feel happy, alive, healthy, comfortable in my own skin (if that's possible) and have more energy and NOT to think of myself as fat, frumpy, unhappy with my appearance and unhealthy and to know I can do this.

I do wonder why it's so hard for me, but seems so easy to others. Healthy food, ha, no problem, I love salads everyday with no dressing, just plain and raw and it's delicious!!! I stare in amazement...(mouth open, eyes wide). How do I get there? How do I get like that?

1 comment:

  1. I am right there with you! I have been thinking many of these same thoughts myself and may post a blog about my thoughts soon. Ugh. I wish there was an easy answer... but there isn't. :(