Wednesday, July 8, 2009

3 months to go

I have 3 more months to go with being pregnant. I am not that girl that just loves being pregnant, I hate it, pretty much all of it except for the fact that I'm growing a human being inside of me that one day I can smother with kisses and i like to feel her move and kick and punch and go crazy, which is daily. Other than that, I hate it. I hate gaining weight, which my body finds to be enjoyable and easy. I wish that my body would find losing weight just as enjoyable and easy, but then why would I have such luck? I hate that i get swollen on a daily basis, feet, fingers, ankles and face..yes I am one of "those" who get pregnancy face. I hate the acid reflux (daily) the itchy belly (knock on wood, no new stretch marks yet) the break outs (oh the break outs! never this bad w/ my son), the heavy feeling since I carry low, the peeing 3-4 times in the middle of the night, the never will I ever get comfortable while sleeping, the spurts of energy that are closely followed by the severe exhaustion, oh did I mention the never ending pain in my lower back, yup that's from carrying low as well...I could go on, but I think you get my point.

Pregnancy is not my friend, it doesn't like me, however, before you go and attack me by saying, "you should be thankful you are pregnant..", know that I AM thankful, everyday, that I was able to get pregnant so easily this time around (especially consider my history of ovarian cysts, enlarged ovary and a tipped uterus to top it off!) I love that I am blessed to be able to make a baby, and that my body can do's just all the other stuff that I wish I didn't have to deal with. Not to mention the never ending freaking out about going into labor early and praying that my baby's cyst on her brain will dissolve and she won't have downs syndrome or special needs, or that she's not kicking very much that day and my water is breaking.

thankfully, the cyst did dissolve..but don't you just love it when the Dr. is like, "Well don't get your hopes up, that doesn't mean she will not have anything wrong, there is always still a chance, although there is no sign that she would because she is measuring perfectly, brain looks good, heart great, bridge of the nose great, but don't get your hopes up!" oh and she ends the conversation with "most likely she will be healthy and normal" but don't get my hopes up? Thankfully, I serve an AMAZING God who can do whatever he wants when he wants and doesn't need a Dr. to tell him otherwise. He healed her of the cyst, so I'm pretty sure he can heal her of anything, and that's what I'm believing in. He has healed her.

I also am freaking out that I might not get my STD from work so that could be I will not be getting paid for my entire leave, which will be 3 months. (We get so much time off for the holiday's it would be pointless for me to come back for a few days then be off again). So again, I'm praying for God to "heal" us with this issue. That I will get STD and get some kind of pay or that we are blessed with really good hours for Jimmy at work (winter is always his slowest time and our hardest time financially). And not to mention, I have to go back to work. I didn't have to w/ Ryan (well I should of, but w/ the cost of daycare, it wouldn't of worked)...this time around I have free childcare (thank you Mom) but I still have to be away from my baby girl and stuck at a place that gives me no meaning, no drive, no motivation and no...nothing. I am oh so thankful for my job, I have health insurance and probably the best boss anyone could want (you would all be jealous if you had her for your boss, trust me!) i love the people I work for, it's just the work itself I'm not crazy about. I still would like to pursue other options, Real Estate (yes, even in this market, I personally think I would be good at it) or becoming a Doula...all easier said than done of course! Maybe next year, I will pursue these things, for now I will grind my teeth, wake up and go to work, thankful that I have a job and I have an amazing boss and insurance. I find myself more and more grateful for all that lately, I feel guilty when I do complain.

My son is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. God let me have him?! Did I mention I serve an AMAZING God? If not, BELIEVE IT! I DO!!! my son is hilarious, loving, caring, polite (he says please and thank you w/o being asked! yes I'm proud of that!) gentle, sensitive, yet stubborn, very decisive and extremely inquisitive and playful. He seems to be the greatest child on this earth (although, as i enter reality, i know that of course he is not, many children are great!) but to me, I feel so lucky that he was chosen to be my son. I just hope I feel that way w/ my Little girl, that she will be just as amazing and I will love her just as much. yes, i always hear that you will love your 2nd just as much as your first and I'm sure i will, it's just hard to think that I could have enough love for 2 children, plus my hubby--need to give more lovin to him! poor guy! pregnancy is probably not his friend either!!

Well, I think I have rambled enough. I got much inspiration from my friend Lindsay, she let all her feelings out on her site and I felt compelled to do the same. love you girl!

1 comment:

  1. Awww...I love you too! Sometimes you just need to get stuff off your chest! I completely understand the whole job thing!! I feel so bad complaining about my job in this economy...I should just be happy I have a job, right? But I understand how hard it is to motivate yourself to get up every morning to go to a job you aren't really excited about.

    I too worry about loving another child as much as Madison. And just like you said, everyone tells you that you will, but its near impossible to wrap my mind around it. I guess I just try and think about before I had her and trying to understand the love I feel for her. As you know, there is no way to describe a mother's love to someone who has never experienced it, so I assume that's what it's like with the second one! Oh, and loving the husband?? Well yeah, I think we all could probably do better at that! :)

    I wish I was up there (or you down here) so we could see each other more. I know for myself that would help me so much...I don't have anybody down here that I can just lay everything out on the table and know I'm going to get honest advice. But I thank God everyday for you and that no matter how long we go without seeing each other, we can pick up like its only been a day! I love you and can't wait to meet my little "niece!"